John. Oates. To. Star. In. Crimefighting. Moustache. Based. Cartoon. Called. J-Stache. Too. Excited. To. Breathe.

A more reasoned explanation here.

Eddie Murphy, while not quite a comic genius a la Steve Martin or Chevy Chase, has seen quite the decline in the quality of his movie output, reaching a particular nadir with the ill-conceived multimillion dollar flop The Adventures of Pluto Nash, which must have been pitched as a comedy version of Total Recall, and like the other two has squarely plumped for family fare in the last decade and a bit. So it’s something of a relief to possibly see a glimmer of self-awareness in his recent claim to be giving the movies the ol’ heave-ho. Especially satisfying as it means nixing Brett Ratner’s planned Beverly Hills Cop IV, an idea that filled me with dread. If John Landis couldn’t breathe life into it, he sure as criminy can’t.

He was never any funnier than he was in Trading Places or in his two concert movies, which are themselves somewhat marred by more than a little sprinkling of homophobia and racism. You might be able to put some of that stuff down to youthful exuberance and ignorance, but it don’t make it right.

I can’t help but think he’s a bit of a weird one ol’ Eddie, in between the SNL denial, prostitute outreach and frankly bonkers wooing and impregnating of Scary Spice, it’s hard to reconcile the scary eyed fortysomething year old with the kinetic looselimbed youngster who exploded in the 80s. The departure from movies is apparently part of a plan to return to stand-up, something he’s been toying with for years. Will it actually happen? As Eddie himself admits, it takes years of doing the clubs to get a set together and even then it’s not an easy road. Jerry Seinfeld’s doc Comedian makes that pretty clear. But in an interview accompanying the recentish long-awaited DVD release of Delirious, he showed he still has the chops. I wouldn’t bet against him. Funny is funny. I hope.

Duets are for suckers, star-packed trios and beyond are where it’s at and like red and grey duvet covers, we’ve not found much use for them since the 80s. So let’s enjoy some of the finest examples, in descending order of population.

We Are The World (1984)

Far be it from me to belittle yer man Geldof’s efforts, but blow me down did Quincy Jones ever get together whatever the opposite of a rum bunch is for the Jackson/Richie penned treaclefest.

Quantity: Too many to count, but when you’ve got John Oates, Ray Charles and Dan Aykroyd in the same room, you just know this shit’s serious Quality: 5/10

State of Independence (1982)

Rewind a few years from We Are The World and you can see Quincy Jones warming up for the love-in with a Donna Summer cover of a Jon & Vangelis warbler. That many not sound like cause for an assembly of what is described as an All-Star Choir, but to be honest calling it an All-Star Choir is like saying Archie Gemmill has scored a goal at the World Cup. Impressive yes, but that’s not even half the story, mainly because the whole story is a legend for our times, that generations will talk about in hushed tones. Well, maybe just in my house. The full line-up reads like a Who’s Who: Yacht Rock edition colliding with a Motown tourbus: Christopher Cross, James Ingram, Michael Jackson, Peggy Lipton, Quincy Jones, Kenny Loggins, Michael McDonald, Lionel Richie, Brenda Russell, Dionne Warwick, Stevie Wonder, and slightly inexplicably Dyan Cannon. Although some of those names may not be riding high now, in 1982 Christopher Cross could have bought and sold you in the blink of an eye. If a grenade had rolled into that recording studio, I would probably only own about three records today.

Quantity: 12 Quality: 7/10

That’s What Friends Are For (1985)

What started out as a Rod Stewart track on the near perfect soundtrack to criminally underrated morgue as brothel comedy Night Shift, was then covered by Dionne Warwick & Friends and raised 3 million dollars for AIDS research. And who were those friends? None other than Stevie Wonder, Gladys Knight, and unfortunately for him, massively out of his depth vocals-wise, the world’s most famous Hornets fan Elton John.

Quantity: 4 Quality: 8

I Feel For You (1984)

Stevie loves himself a collaboration. The one figure who crops up on all the tracks in the list, here he is turning up on a 1984 Chaka Khan cover of a Prince tune that was a big hit. Joining in and making three was Melle Mel whose stuttered opening rap has gone down in music history, was apparently a mistake that uberproducer Arif Mardin loved and then kept in.

Quantity 3.5 : Quality: 9

So bigger is better, but actually not too big is better than big. Or something. Cripes, I don’t know if we’ve learned anything. I leave you with this, a Japanese tribute to We Are The World, which is either touching, mocking, totally loopy or all three.

I caught the English premiere of Shane Meadows new movie Somers Town last night followed by a Q&A with the man himself and young stars Thomas Turgoose and Piotr Jagiello. The movie, clocking in at a slimline 75 minutes, a godsend in a summer of turgid blockbusters, was a real treat, genuinely charming and featuring another great set of performances, particularly from Turgoose whose developing a real comic knack, and has killer timing in his bones. Incidents featuring deckchair rental, laundry theft and wheelchair pimping are peppered throughout in truly funny scenes that effortlessly blend originality and the trademark Meadows warm naturalistic feel.

The film was funded by Eurostar, and save for one clunky line about its efficient service was a real credit to them for keeping their sticky paws out. That might also have something to do with the “5,000 page document that now sits alongside Moses’ 10 Commandments” that Meadows referred to after the film.

Meadows was full of his usual boundless enthusiasm in the Q&A, despite a heavy one in Edinburgh the night before, where he bet Tommo £100 he couldn’t finish a vindaloo (his first curry). He gave some full and frank answers, and revealing that King of the Gypsies is ready to go next year with a release date of late ‘09 and ‘10 and with Le Donk in the editing suite, looks like his planned year off is going to be his most satisfying period yet.

Some unbridled joy to get stuck into. Telly Savalas’ guide to Birmingham packed with lies, as he’s never been there, the Greek scamp.

“The sound of disco music was in the air so I wander over to see what gives. It was an over 40s competition and… incredible”

Indeed.

Peter Jones and Gremlins advertising BT? No matter how many times I see the ad, I can’t quite work out why. Peter Jones on his own? Sure, he’s a captain of industry and all that so why not. Simply some Gremlins knobbing about, no problem. They’ve done both before, with Gordon Ramsay in his own ad, and ET, somewhat tenuously doing his a few years back. But putting unrelated celebrities and Hollywood creatures together? It’s just odd, it’s almost as if they had a random list of celebrities and studio properties of descending and ascending value and this was slap bang in the middle on both counts, to play it safe.

But, what if they’d been even more outlandish with their scheme? I like to think these might be the next ads from BT to look forward to.

Rolf Harris & The Critters

Animal Hospital goes ballsup as the furry balls present all kinds of trouble for ol’ Rolf as he desperately tries to fix a fax machine.

Kate Copstick & The Terminator

The Copstick must travel back in time to choose different people for her Friends and Family plan with violent and costsaving results.

David Copperfield & The Ewoks

After another failed attempt at a Three of a Kind reunion, the in-no-way-magic-or-Dickensian funnyman makes a home for himself in the trees with the fuzzy little douchebags and introduces them to the wonders of broadband.

George Clooney & The Ghoulies

Hollywood royalty Clooney cashes in on these inexplicable spots featuring himself as the put-upon Dean of a college plagued by demons and telecommunications infrastructure problems in a torturous retread of the straight-to-video series featuring everyone’s favourite toilet based monsters.

Burt Reynolds & Q: The Winged Serpent

Okay, I’m done now.

Tiny people are taking over London.

I’m not a Japanese schoolgirl, but man alive, miniaturised shit is cool. Although when it gets to that whole in-the-eye-of-a-needle-needing-to-stop-your-heart-and-breathing-to-do-it type stuff, that’s a bit much for me.

On top of the aforementioned art project in London, there’s the ongoing photographic discipline of tilt-shift photography and its bastard nephew tilt-shift miniature faking, which can turn normal cityscapes into something a bit more Trumptony. Behold.

Cosby, Cosby, Cosby, Cos… of all the wonderful things he does.

If you’re looking to get me a present, look no further. You’ve got until June 12th.

And then head over here to download Oh Snap!!’s tribute to the man’s unique knitwear.

Where are C&A when you need them?